5 Things to Remember When Considering Remarriage as a Woman
My first marriage failed, slowly and painfully. After about 4 years I remarried. This is what I have learned and what I share with you in the hopes that you can glean some insight from my experience for yourself and your situation:
1. You are marrying another man.
Men are all cut from the same cloth, they may have different colors, textures and weave but they are all men and are different in every respect to women. We function on separate pathways, physically, psychologically and emotionally. Therefore, to be truly married, men and women need to find a middle ground to relate and be together. That takes thoughtful and consistent work. Are you willing to put in that work?
2. You are bringing your same self into the marriage.
Think about it, what is the constant between your last marriage relationship and this one? You. You bring an aspect of you everywhere you go but you are the truest you with your husband, bare bones and naked. Barring an abusive relationship of course, your husband is the only one who can see you for who you really are, he is the one you will expose yourself to, completely, in your daily life. Do you know yourself? Have you given yourself the time and attention to find out what your attachment style is? what your defensive walls are? and what it looks like for you to be a whole and healthy you, showing up and being present to your husband in your marriage every day?
3. Communication is hard.
The hardest for me is effective communication. How can I make him listen to me? I can’t change him, or his reactions to me. I can’t make him be who I need him to be, it doesn’t work that way. So what can I change? Me. What do I bring to the table? What are my reactions to him, and the offensive-to-me things he does? How can I stay present in the moment and not run to the hills every time I am hurt, angry or frustrated? How can I let things go, for now? These are questions I never even knew should be asked.
4. Turn my big, fat, pointy finger at myself for a change.
Yes, he needs to change, and yes, he needs to do a whole work on himself to be a better him. But me judging him and living in the place of finger-pointing just leads me to being hurt and stuck, and keeps him on the defensive. I have undergone many years of counseling and still feel handicapped by the self I bring into my marriage. Why? Because I don’t believe I ever learned to truly look at myself for who I really am: broken, with old and deep-seated ways that sabotage me when I am with my man. Of late, I have encountered wonderful people offering incredible resources to help me and you to do just that (see below).
5. Have faith.
If you believe in the living God as I do, you believe that he is working behind the scenes, always for the good of those who love him: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose”. Romans 8:28, and your husband is no exception! Pray for him as the committed and loving wife that you are, tell the Lord all that is on your heart and trust that He is listening and working behind his scenes, because He is!
None of this happens overnight, I wish it did, but it is, like most good things in life, a process. I hope to get it right one day. But, in the meantime, I must deal with myself, in humility and faith, believing I am being changed for good.
My helpful resources:
Andy Stanley — “Nothing” 1–4
